Don't strangle the children.

I know its been a good day when at the end of it all, I can honestly say I never wanted to strangle a child today. hehe

This was thankfully one of those days. Everything went smoothly today, and although I have some cleaning to do before I go home, I feel good about it. I have to hit the laundromat before I go home today, I have a stack of shirts my kids have bleached designs onto to wash and get back to them. A few of them may learn a lesson about taking stuff off my desk without asking though- I had their shirts piled up on the desk and I had not washed the bleach out of them yet. A part of me hopes that they take them home and throw them with with their favorite clothes, just so I can remind them that I told them never to root through stuff on my desk again. It would serve them right- unfortunately the two kids who took their shirts are not usually a lot of trouble like that, so I called them and told them what to do. One answered the phone, the other gets a long-winded message on the machine. Hope they check it before doing the laundry!

Damned Kids

I feel accomplished today, it was a great end to a kinda lousy week.

I gave a color mixing quiz today, and everything ran smoothly. Apparently my kids have a good understanding that when you are taking a test or quiz it is time to STFU. Most of them did really well on it too, I can tell they paid attention while they were filling out their worksheets the last few days, or at least studied up before class today. I had several kids make 100s, and a few even got the bonus question in addition to that. A few however, clearly did not look over it at all or pay any attention whatsoever to what they did this week. I didn't give anyone lower than a 50, but it certainly wasn't because no one made below that. I even managed to get all my quizzes graded and into my gradebook before 8th period was over!! WHOOO!

Monday and Tuesday went pretty well too, we played pictionary those days. My kids needed a change of pace, and it was the tail end of a project we'd been working on, so as soon as they were done with their projects they could join in the game. I really feel like even though we were playing, it was a learning experience for all of them. Every time they draw something they've never tried to draw before they are learning something new.

Wednesday was a turning point. I sat down with every single class to explain to them how things had to change for this last 6 weeks of the semester. Things like actually turning in their homework, and doing a good job on their sketchbooks. Also, I told them that I was giving out NO MORE SECOND CHANCES when it came to cell phones...and then I gave them candy for playing the game the days before. That went smoothly until 4th period, my art 2 class. These kids are GREEDY, and apparently entitled to whatever they want out of life. They all took extra candy when I was in the room next door helping a few of them with their current project. I was pissed. 5th period did the same thing, I walked across the room for something while they were working and when I turned around they were raiding the candy bucket. Punks. 7th period wound up not getting any candy that day because all that was left after those 2 classes was Whoppers.

Thursday I showed up with more candy so that 7th period could actually get some, and my Art 2 kids really crossed the line this time. While I was out of the room again, they went behind my desk and rooted through my drawers and found the unopened bag of candy in a walmart sack on the counter...and opened it, and ate over half of it. Once again I didnt have enough candy for 7th period. I flipped out and bitched the entire class out for it, even though I know that half the class was definitely not responsible for it. Today, I told them that they are no longer welcome on that side of the room without my express verbal consent. They have also all been warned that if I ever catch them back there or in my desk I will ask no questions and immediately write them up. Damned kids.

I NEED this weekend. I have been looking forward to it for days. I cant wait to not think about school for a little while- Thanksgiving can't come soon enough!

Halloween Revisited

Now that I have finally uploaded some pics at school, I can put some new ones on here!

Halloween was a lot of fun, Taylor and I dressed up for the first time as adults and hit the Goldenlight. Taylor went as a Ceiling Fan, and I was Miss Demeanor. Great fun was had, as you can see:

Barack around the Clock!

I'm leaving school in Pampa right now to drive to Canyon and cast my vote! (I forgot to change my voter's registration to my new residence...oops)

Barack the Vote!

catch up

geez this has been a busy month.

A lot of stuff has happened since the last time I wrote, and I'm not sure I can even remember it all, so here are the highlights:

The 5th period fight I talked about in my last post wound up being a huge ordeal. Apparently one of the students involved told the other one that he planned to bring a gun to school the next day to shoot him in the head. By the time I heard the whole story my entire 5th period was on edge that day wondering if anything was going to happen. But my little terrorist never showed that day. I put in a police report, and was the 3rd teacher to do so about that kid that day. He apparently also told another student he was going to slit his throat. By Thursday afternoon that week, the kid had been arrested. Its a federal offense to even make statements about doing something like that on a school campus. He is now in DAEP, which is basically where we send our childhood felons to school.

I have a new boyfriend, and hes a swetheart. His name is Colby, and I'm getting to be pretty crazy about him. He's 25, 6'2, and lives in Amarillo. He has a culinary arts degree, as well as one in nuclear medicine...but he doesn't work in either field. He does websites for a bunch of car dealerships in the area, takes pics of the cars on the lot and uploads them to the sites. He is also a movie addict, he owns more movies that I think I have ever seen, which is nice because he almost always has something for us to watch that I haven't seen before. I think this one might just be one of those nice guys I've heard about all my life.

Last night was the 12x12 exhibition at the Amarillo Museum of Art. I made a raku platter with a copper handle for the auction, but as of last night no one had purchased it. They typically strongarm their patrons into buying everything though, so I'm hoping that someone will decide they want it. It was a fun night, Taylor came along as my date. I love getting all dressed up and going out there for shows. Plus, I had a lot of friends with pieces for auction last night, and several more who just came out to the show. Theres a lot to be said for free food and an open bar. Unfortunately they didn't order nearly enough food to feed everyone- the table was picked clean before we made it over there. We wound up going to dinner at the restaurant that catered the show, everything smelled so good. By the time we finished dinner I was so exhausted I thought I wouldn't make it home before I fell asleep. I rolled in about 10:30, and was in bed by 10:45.

Being a teacher wears me out.

Giddy Grins

This has been a great day, despite all the things that went wrong during it.

I went on a fantastic date last night, and I haven't been able to wipe this giddy smile off my face all day. It almost happened once, when my 5th period very nearly got me to cuss today. I was mean for a little while, but they were being such punks. I yelled, and told them I didn't want to hear one person speak for the rest of the class period, a whole 5 minutes. You could cut the silence with a knife, they were staring at me most of the time too. I think they thought I might fly off the handle any minute. I might have if they hadn't actually gotten quiet. My hands were shaking that entire time I was so angry with them! Impressively, as soon as lunch started (the next period) I was so over it. I was back to grinning again.

7th period didn't make me angry, but one girl did tick me off a bit. I only let her see it for a second though. One of the other teachers brought her to my door, after I had let her go to the restroom a while before. Apparently he had caught her in the stairwell making out with a kid from one of my other classes. Geez. I pulled her out in the hallway and told her that "I know your boyfriend is cute and all..." and she stopped me and said "Hes not my boyfriend". I almost lost it, the mean face was gone. I just laughed and said "you can do whatever you want on YOUR time, but when you tell me that you're going to the bathroom, thats where you better go."

My date last night was amazing. We had planned on just having coffee, but we were both starving when I got into Amarillo. He suggested we go to Marty's (and I had no idea he was suggesting such a nice restaurant), and he treated me to steak. We sat and talked for hours. He has a degree in culinary arts, and I can't wait for him to cook for me. I'm pretty taken with him. We're hanging out again Wednesday, and I hope I'm still just as giddy Thursday as I am today.

New Car !!

I drove home to Abilene yesterday to pick up my new car! Its a 2008 Honda CRV, in red! It is truly a thing of beauty, see for yourselves:



Its a happy little vehicle, and it wants really badly to drive fast- so I'll have to be sure and set the cruise control so I don't get any tickets!

I also finished up my op art from the last post, and did another one. I'm pretty pleased with the result.

Spirit Week

Geez this has been a rough week emotionally.

I've been running myself ragged this week. I've been sick since last sunday, and I still have a cough that is sticking with me. I'll probably have it until next summer hits the way its going now. My kids have been doing 1 and 2 point perspective, and some of them just haven't been catching on- they call me back and forth across the room to help. I haven't had a moment to sit down during the day all week. Most of them seem to really be getting the hang of 2 point perspective though, so maybe next week will calm down a little.

All this week was spirit week at school, and we've had dress up days every day. Monday was hat day, Tuesday was cowboys and Indians, yesterday was my personal favortie to watch- Old people day. My kids came in with grey hair and wearing robes and slippers. I even had a few old men with canes. Today was Green and Gold day, and I spent part of every class period painting kids faces (Fun!), and tomorrow everyone is supposed to dress up nice.

I started doing Op Art with my art II kids today, and I think I may have hit on something they will actually take their time on and enjoy. They all seemed interested today at least. The pic up top is a shot of the example I am working on for them so far. That seemed to get their attention, for once.

Tomorrow is Homecoming, so it promises to be complete insanity at school tomorrow. I hope we can still get something done in class. The game will be fun, we're playing Plainview. I think I am going to volunteer to help the drama teacher paint faces during the first quarter and then hang with her for the game- its her birthday tomorrow.

I've gone back and forth this week between getting a new car, and not, and finally getting it again. I'm driving to Abilene on Saturday to pick up my new red Honda CRV! Yay! I can't wait to pick up my new baby!

Wow

Its been way too long. Not having a working space bar on my laptop has been hindering my posting abilities. On the bright side though, my school district hasn't blocked the blogger website yet, so I can get on and post from my school computer.

School is going really well, its started off a little strange being a teacher. The entire first week I felt more like I had drifted back in time and was going back to high school. It became pretty clear very quickly though that I am not the same person that I was when I was in high school, and I really have no desire to be that age again. Now I am completely in teacher mode, its weird but I think I like it.

The only problem with being all grown up and acting like it is paying your own bills. I am not really loving that part. All the things I need are adding up quickly, and amounting to less cash to spend on things I just plain want.

Speaking of things I just plain want, I am getting a new car! I'm getting
a 2008 Honda CRV, in Red. Yay! I'm really excited, this is the first time
have ever bought anything of this magnitude on my own. Its exhilerating.

My classes are full of pretty good kids, for the most part. Sometimes they get a little bouncy, but I think that may have more to do with who they are in class with that the kids themselves. My 5th period is always wild, but I have half the football team at once so I understand how it happens. 4th period is insubordinate, the boys in the class have made it clear that they only signed up for art 2 because last year's teacher was HOT. I guess they haven't decided yet if I stack up. haha.

This past weekend was the Toadies concert, which was a blast! I scored a free tshirt, and very nearly got into a chick throwdown with some friends and the bitchy chick in front of us who insisted on sitting on her boyfriend's shoulders. I still wish we had yanked her ponytail whil she was up there, at the very least it would have been a good story to tell later.

This coming Friday is homecoming at school, and the entire week promises to be filled with chaos. Its been a while since I went to a highschool homecoming game, but I remember them well. I'm looking forward to cheering my kiddos on at the game, and getting all decked out in Green and Gold. GO Team!

More soon, and this time I think I mean it.

I'm so unmotivated right now.

I really thought that getting a job and actually knowing what the plan was for next year would really light a fire under my ass and get me moving on my classes, but I think I may actually want to do LESS. No more, tomorrow is the day of much homeworking.

I've been into Pampa twice this week in search of a new abode, and its just not looking good. I managed to find all the apartments in town, but I have come to the tragic realization that my current place has spoiled me for anything I am going to be finding there. Every place I drove by was just so ghetto...and while I am not above staying the night in a trashy motel in the search for a cheap place, I am most definitely above living in a trashy ghetto apartment for a year. I just cant do it anymore, I've had better, and I want to stay that way. My only lead on a place is at what appears (from the outside) to be the nicest apartments in town. They have one opening for August, a one bedroom townhouse that is a little smaller than my current place. The only problem is that she has NOTHING that she can show me before that. So I could sit on my hands and wait until August 10th for this place to open up, and then look at it and make a decision, or I can jump in and decide to talk it sight unseen. In my friend Brad's eloquent words, They want me to Buy Pandora's Box, and move on in. I really would rather have a house than an apartment, but I just cant seem to find anything that is available to rent, instead of buy. I'm not really in the market to BUY a house in Pampa this year. No, not so much.

The SBUX countdown is now officially on. They handed out the work schedules for the next two weeks yesterday, so I know when I am working right up until my LAST day, August 3rd. Yay! Now, lets see if I can stand the place that long, its getting more and more difficult.

Work work all week long, punchin' that clock, dusk til dawn

So, I've been a little on the lazy side about keeping up with this silly thing. Call me busy.

I've been working 40+hours/wk at sbux lately, plus trying to keep up with all my summer classes. It hasn't exactly been working, and I fell pretty behind in my classes. Hopefully I caught back up in time, but I guess I wont know until grades have been posted for them. Its been a pretty stressful summer, and until today I had been pretty worried about the future.

I interviewed twice for a job teaching art in Groom, TX...and I thought it had all gone pretty well, I was confident that they liked me and that I was probably getting the job... NO. They hired the other girl. Boo.

I drove my ass to Dallas to interview for a job in Whitewright, TX. Actually, it was more complicated that just that. I had asked off work for 4 days to go home and hang out with the fam, and specifically get to see Vivan. But, the Friday before I was supposed to have Monday-Thursday off work, Groom called to set up my second interview. They wanted Tuesday, but I convinced them to set it for Thursday. There went one day of the vacation, but hey, maybe I would get a job out of the deal. Then, Monday morning I woke up to get ready to leave town and go home, and almost immediately received a phone call from Whitewright, wanting to know when they could talk to me about the open position. Not just talk on the phone, but in person. Gee, how convenient, sure I'll find a time in the next few days that we can talk in person...So then the plan for the week changed drastically. I left Canyon that day at 2, and drove to Abilene. I went to dinner at Roadhouse with the fam, and then I piled Vivian into my car and we drove to Ft. Worth that night. Katie and Bobby were nice enough to let us stay with them, and when we got into town Viv was all wound up and played with the dogs for what seemed like forever to me (maybe it was all the driving I had done that day?)We went to bed well after midnight, and I got up again at 4:30 to get ready for my interview. I had to shower up and get all pretty, and leave town by 5:45 if I was going to make it to Whitewright by 8am...it was a 2 hour drive to N. Dallas. The interview went well, and went on for all of 20 minutes. And then it was over. I drove 8 hours to get there at a convenient time for them, and it took 20 minutes. The (brand new) principal assured me they would let me know something within the week. I got back in the car, and headed back to Katie and Bobby's apartment. I made it back before Vivian even woke up, so when I got there I kept quiet so I could get a little down time. Once she got up and moving, the 4 of us hit Hurricane Harbor for the day. It was a blast! Bobby and I hadn't been since it was Wet n' Wild, and they had added a lot of new slides since then...and Vivian had never been before. I had been wanting to take her to a water park for years, so this was a really good time for us. We stayed until they kicked us out at 7, then went back to the apt and showered up for dinner. We all got some significant sun. Cheddars for dinner was tasty, and Viv and I hit the road for Abilene afterward- completely beat. It was a freakin miracle we made it back, I was so tired I was falling asleep. I had to stop a couple times and shut my eyes so that I didn't crash the car. We got back to town at almost 2am, and by that time I had no voice at all. Did I mention I am apparently allergic to Dallas? I got up the next day about lunch time, and couldn't speak. My lymph nodes were all swollen up, and I was running a 100 degree fever. I was almost certain that I had somehow acquired strep throat after looking at it. Ridiculous. I slept off and on all afternoon, just trying to feel less like shit. I finally got on the road for Canyon at about 7, and rolled into town about 11:30. Still feeling like shit.

The next day I still had no voice, and still felt remarkably like crap. I hit the student medical center with the intent of getting the strep shot, but they tested me for it and it came back negative. Instead I got a big fat allergy shot in the ass, an antibiotic to treat me for tonsillitis and some stuff they apparently mix up in the medical center that they called "throat numb" (it was appetizingly kept in a piss cup). I hit sbux on my way out of town for some sick tea, and my manager made me gargle some salt water...and by some strange luck by the time I made it to Groom for my interview, I actually had my voice back. The interview went great, and they said they would let me know something by the next afternoon. On my way home from Groom, Whitewright called to let me know they had hired the other girl. Thanks guys. I only drove 20 hours roundtrip to talk to you. That doesn't show dedication or anything. The next day, Groom called and let me know they had hired the other girl as well. Well Damn.

Up until today, things had been going much the same. I hadn't interviewed with anyone else, and had few actual prospects. But today, my luck changed. I interviewed in Pampa, a town about an hour Northeast from Amarillo. We talked for quite a while and things seemed to be going well (something I apparently can't actually gauge), and she was wrapping things up and excused herself to speak with the superintendent for a moment. I sat and waited for what seemed like forever, and got more and more excited about the job. I came up with several more questions I wanted to as her. When she came back, she sat down and immediately said "so here's the deal, I want to offer you the job." I'm pretty sure my eyes bugged out of their sockets, and there was really no concealing my excitement. Obviously I accepted it. I'll be the only art teacher at the high school (4A), and I'll be teaching 6 classes a day. They are remodeling the high school right now, so I haven't seen my room yet- but it will be all new and redone when I get to move in. Yay! They have 2 kilns, and she said that they would basically get me whatever I needed. I'm pretty stoked. They are also paying me a lot more than I was looking at receiving at the other schools, so thats good too. Now I just need to find somewhere to live a little closer than an hour and 20 minutes away. I'm hoping to find something in Panhandle, so that I can split the difference between Amarillo and Pampa. That way I can see my friends whenever I want to. Yippee for big girl jobs!

Tomorrow night I work til' midnight, but after that I think Courtney and I are hitting Hoot's to see the Electric Gypsies! Its time to celebrate!

She works hard for the money

Work is kicking my class-taking ass.

We had an employee pull a no call no show (after being spotted by our manager out at a restaurant when she was supposedly home sick), and covering all her 35 hours of scheduled work is putting almost everyone over 40 hours this week. I was already scheduled for about 36 hours this week, so until today I was mostly just sticking around a little after my shifts to make sure the next shift would go smoothly...but then today we had a girl call in who was scheduled to close tonight and open tomorrow...so now I am opening on my day off. Ugh.

On top of all my many working hours this week, I am also sufficiently behind in every one of my 3 summer classes this session. I am about to email all my professors and beg them to understand that I am really not slacking off, I'm just working crazy long days that have happened to overlap perfectly with the times my homework is due by...not to mention the fact that I am behind on my reading for all of them because I keep working nights- the time when I would normally do my best studying.Yuck!

I hit the annual Wine and Clay festival at the Llano Winery last weekend, and like last year, it was great fun. I bought pieces from the same 2 people as last year, so I guess that makes me a collector now! I tried the Riesling for the first time, and its a new favorite. I wound up with 3 bottles of wine, and I'm thinking it might be time to bust into one of them after the day I had today. I'm exhausted, and now that I've updated- I'm out.

My debut album

Ebian's Palm Squirrel:
To Live In It


Your Debut Album

1 - Go to
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to Random quotations: http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

If you want to do this again, you'll hit refresh to generate new quotes, because clicking the quotes link again will just give you the same quotes over and over again.

3 - Go to flickr's "explore the last seven days" http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

Put it all together, that's your debut album.

Application-ing, and a Hastings surprise

I actually got some things accomplished today- and all it took was getting myself up and out of the house to get my work done. I hit UPS and made some photocopies of my diploma and United to get some fruit for dinner, and made my way up to school during the ceramics class to see my friends and get to work. Unfortunately, I couldn't get connected to the internet up there (WT's wireless is a bit fickle)...so I just filled out paper applications. After the class was over I went up to Hastings, got hooked up to the internet and did a little more work up there. Now I'm at home, and I just finished filling out another application, Yay for getting things done!

Funny story--

While I sat in Hasting's coffee cafe, I noticed the smell of smoke coming in from the front door. I remember thinking one moment, "geez, shut the door- I don't want to smell that!", and then the smell really hit me and I realized it was no normal cigarette. I made a funny face, and sniffed the air to see if my mind had fooled me...and a guy across the cafe suddenly said "You smell it too! I wondered if it was just me, I can't believe those guys are just toking up outside of Hastings!" We joked for a while about telling them we had called the cops, just to freak them out, but never really did anything. It was close to closing time anyway.

My boys have been extra cuddly this week, they like it when I get to hang out at home and spend more time in bed with them. What good kitties!



They've come a long way as friends since I brought Jack home last year- Deuce only hisses every once in a while now!

Hire me!

The search is on-- I'm frantically applying for teaching jobs, and at this point I'm not even all that particular about where I end up. Its a guaranteed new adventure, and I can't wait.

I am really dreading moving though...I have so much stuff, I guess its time for a little late spring cleaning (or cleaning out). I have good friends here too, I hate leaving friends behind, its never quite the same when you come back to visit. You have all the memories still, but the people always change. It took me so long to make all these friends too, moving up here alone was so scary. It was months before I stopped thinking it was a mistake.

I got to go home for the first time since xmas last weekend. My brother drove down from NY for the summer, and beat me to town. It was so good to see my family, I've missed them a lot this year. I wish I could get home more often, but looking at the calender for work, it doesn't really look like that is going to happen. Bribery of my coworkers may ensue.

I have the next 3 days off work. I had planned on picking up a shift or two to make up for being off 3 days last week, but yesterday at work was just plain miserable. I decided halfway through my shift that I needed to stay away from there these few days if I was going to avoid making a scene on the job. I think this was a good choice, I spent the day watching a CSI:Miami marathon, and then a new episode of Greek. It was a pretty decent day. I think tomorrow I will make some copies, fill out and send in some applications, get my hair cut and do some shopping. Tomorrow will be an even better day, I'm sure of it.

Graduation and such

I won a wedding cake the other night.
My landlord gave me a ticket to the "head to toe women's expo" on Friday night...It was basically a You're not pretty enough festival for women, there were booths for make-up and facials, wigs, plastic surgery and boob jobs, jewelry and lingerie, chocolate and cake. The booth with the (Amazing) cake was a new bakery set to open up at the end of the month, they had a raffle going to win a birthday cake, so we all turned in tickets. After walking around and seeing everything, we decided that we had all had enough feeling bad about ourselves and left. We got out to the car and I noticed I had a missed call and a new message, I had won a cake! I ran back inside to pick it up, and the girl handed me the second tier of the wedding cake they had on display. This cake is huge and heart shaped, with a layer of banana creme and a layer of Italian creme, and icing flowers all over the top. Its beautiful AND delicious. I split it with Taylor and Kaiden, and I still have probably 8 pounds of cake.

Graduation was Saturday morning, and I walked again. This time it was so I feel good about it, and I do. I graduated with lots of my friends, and managed to get a picture with all of one of them. I hope it turned out good. She and I have been trying to get a good pic together for a while. Afterward I went to lunch at Johnny Carino's with Nanette and her family, the place was packed! Its been a long time since I went out to lunch/dinner and actually stayed when they said it would be an hour wait. It was worth it though, I love their food.

I worked a lot this weekend, closing Saturday and Sunday nights. These were both miserable shifts, I'm glad I have today off because I don't want to see Starbucks for a while.

I went out to Midnight Rodeo after work on Saturday to celebrate graduation, by the time I got there I had all of 30 minutes until last call. Its unbelievable how I attract friendly drunks at the bar. It doesn't seem to matter if I've been drinking or not, they flock to me and want to dance. Sometimes this is annoying, but Saturday I actually met a cute one. For as drunk as he was, he was still a pretty decent dancer- I'm willing to bet he would have been pretty great sober. He even bothered with telling me how beautiful I was, and kept slurring to his friend how much he liked me. Funny. I gave him my number, and encouraged him to use it sometime, we'll see if he even remembers me after drunk wears off.

innocence

Childhood innocence made my day today.

I was sitting outside talking to a friend and her two little kiddos, when the subject turned suddenly (as conversations with children often do) to their new chickens. Her daughter started telling me about how one of them had tried to bite her finger yesterday, and her son burst into the conversation:

"I named him Pecker!"

It was all I could do to not fall out of my chair laughing...All my friend could say was "What was I supposed to do, tell him why that name isn't ok? I just pray he only tells the story to good friends and go with it."

end of an era

I just took my last college final, and I feel a little weird.

I figured I would finish and just rejoice because it's finally over, but instead it all feels a little bittersweet. This is something I have been working towards for since 2002...and now its over. No more bitching about professors, no more late nights in the studio, no more panic at the end of the semester, no more blowing glass...No more busting my ass to get a degree, because I've done all there is to do. Very strange.

I feel decent about this final. Just decent though, I know I didn't blow it out of the water or anything. That would have been miraculous after the semester I've had in there. I'm pretty sure I passed though, and thats what counts at this point.

I walk on Saturday morning, and then have to go to work that afternoon from 4p-12:30a (Thanks a lot work buddies for giving a shit about helping me out-- see if I help you fix your schedule next time!) Who wants to party after midnight? I don't have to be at work until 11am the next day! Some party this will be.

Yay Graduating!

How dare you.

Its been almost a month since my last post, and truthfully I haven't had much to talk about...with the exception of a fabulous night of drinking and dancing a few weeks ago (which incidentally ended with my boss videotaping my drunken escapades).

But, tonight is different. I have an absolutely necessary rant:

Dear Rat Bastard,

How dare you hurt my friend like that. She loved you, adored you, and had agreed to spend the rest of her life with you. How dare you cheat on her, especially when she had so much going on. How dare you decide to sleep with some tramp while your fiance was gone to a family funeral across the state. Whether or not she ever tells you, you should know there is no description more appropriate for you than "You really put the Son of a Bitch in 'You Son of a Bitch'." I certainly hope I never come across you in town, because I just don't know if I could keep from removing all your teeth with my fist.

Be Careful of The Blob. DO IT.

I've chosen to deviate from my traditional blog format to entertain with my portion of the ALGEBRA class project I had due today. The premise is that I am to compare human life with The Blob from the oh-so-classic 1958 horror/sci-fi flick, and explain where we fall short on becoming blobs ourselves and how to remedy this problem. Enjoy:

Section 4: The Blob and You

There are many distinct ways in which humans differ from blobs. Most importantly, we humans are multi-cellular organisms, while blobs are a single-celled creature much like an amoeba. While single-celled organisms absorb all their nutrients through their cell walls, human’s skin can only absorb small molecules such as water and minute organic compounds. Our tiny pores prevent us from eating through our skin; as a result touching someone can never result in their digestion bi-proxy. Instead, our bodies require a digestive system to break down our food. This digestive system includes the stomach, gall bladder, pancreas, intestines and many other organs of the human body. Because we are multi-cellular, these organs must work together to provide our bodies with the nutrients we require to exist. While the blob absorbs its nutrients through its outer cell wall, ours are absorbed through our intestines- limiting the amount we can take in at one time. Our stomach also hinders us from being more blob-like because it can only hold so much food at one time. Our skeletal system also keeps us from growing past a certain point without becoming immobile. The bones in our bodies form us into a general shape that cannot be deviated from without serious harm to our health. The blob’s cellular structure contains no skeletal system, allowing it to “creep and leap, and glide and slide across the floor, right through the door, and all around the wall”.

In order for humans to overcome their obvious physical handicap, some major biological changes must ensue. Our skin pore size must be increased greatly, and some sort of skin liquefaction system must be developed. This would allow us to soak up our needed nutrients through our skin, much like the blob. As a result, we would no longer need to eat in the traditional sense; rather, we would just absorb. Another way to increase our blobiness would be to develop stretchable stomach walls, enabling us to ingest much larger and copious amounts of food. With this development, we could continuously ingest food throughout the day, while feeling no ill effects. A perfect way to counteract our blob-defiant frame would be to simply eradicate our skeletal system in its entirety. This would solve the dilemma caused by our unchanging general form. Paired with a well-toned muscle system, our new bone deficiency would allow us to grow exponentially larger, and still “glide and slide” like the blob.

By following these simple suggestions, we could increase our absorption surface area while decreasing our total volume. This would allow us to overcome the intake v. metabolic rate ratio. While all of these changes are currently genetically impossible, scientific advances may someday allow us to truly become human blobs. Fast food restaurants are already plunging us toward our bright blob futures- with the help of science it could be closer than we think. “Be careful of the blob.”

clorox

Dear clorox cleaning products,

you made a claim on your commercial today that surprised and disturbed me.

"Because a bathroom can be more than just a bathroom, clorox helps keep it clean--even the imaginary parts."

Here is my question for you clorox, just how exactly do you intend to clean up my imagination without killing me?

signed,
a concerned customer

observations

Dear guy in charge of teacher observations,

You really made my day today. I called you with concerns over the teacher I was placed with because a good friend of mine and colleague of hers told me some things about her teaching style that worry me about doing observations with her. You know, silly things like how she doesn't like her job, actually explain anything to her students, hates kids, and yells at special needs children. Silly me for not jumping at the chance to become her protégé. But apparently my concerns are of no concern to you, since you assured me a call back and I have received no such call. Thanks a lot for that, since I have the day off tomorrow and could have gotten some of my hours out of the way had you only given me a definitive answer. I have a flash for you-- It doesn't really matter to me if you are going to "let" me observe the other art teacher at the school instead. I WILL be sitting in on her classes whether its for credit or not. I actually want to learn to be a good teacher, rather than walking into my profession jaded like you seem to be encouraging.

Thanks again,
An eager teacher-to-be

Thank you notes

I've been threatening to start this blog for some time now, but until tonight all it has been is a threat. No more. Its time to rant and rave.

Dear landlord,
thanks so much for ghetto-rigging the back gate. I can't tell you how much it excites me to take out the trash and unlock the stick that holds everything so firmly in place. Perhaps it was due to the sporadic moisture this winter, but it seems the gate latch no longer wishes to open even after being "unlocked". This evening while taking out the trash this became a glaringly obvious problem. I tried my hardest to pry it open with my fingertips, but alas, I only made the problem greater when I managed to smash my middle finger between the metal latch and the wooden gate. It was such a tight fit that rather than just hurt like the dickens, It actually popped the tip of my finger open. I apologize for bleeding on the gate like that.

love,
your loyal tenant


Dear impatient coffeehouse customer,

You really made my day today. Not only was I busy trying to run the front of house and the drive-thru at the same time today, but I also had a machine go down at the most inopportune time. I was ecstatic when you responded with a gruff "Good." when I assured you I would be right with you. I was so happy when you glared down at me while I followed correct cash control procedures while making change for my till, so I could actually take your money. I was pleased as punch when you ordered 3 venti coffees when I knew my last customer had emptied out what I had brewed. But I've got to tell you ma'am, I laughed inside as I set the machine to brew more coffee and assured you it would only be 4 more minutes. I only wish I could have slipped you decaf. Next time try an espresso drink, delivering swift justice for your poor manners is easier for me that way. Have a great day!

Love,
your favorite barista


Dear "wildman",

that is what you originally told me your name was anyway. Thank you for coming in to my coffeehouse every day. Honestly, your smiling face brightens my day every time. Nevermind the fact that flirting shamelessly with you is a favorite pastime for me. Thanks for coming to my store instead of the one across town.

Sincerely,
your secret admirer


Dear Hollister,

I visited your store a few weeks ago and the residual effects still plague me. Thanks so much for ridding me of any good self esteem I may have built up lately. I entered your store in search of a cute green top to wear out for Saint Patricks Day, and left only green with envy over sickeningly skinny girls. I searched through piles of shirts for a medium (my typical size), only to discover that your medium could easily be equated to a womens x-small. Naturally, I began to search for a large, but that was mostly in vain. I managed to find 2 larges (still awfully tiny) in different styles, and headed for your dressing room. Here is where the story gets ugly (and fat). Your dressing room is amazingly dark, with the exception of the blaring spotlights positioned above each full-length mirror. Nothing highlights flabby sides and a pudgy stomach quite like a spotlight in a dark room. Even better, your shirts were so tight against my chest that I could hardly move, let alone breathe. Of course you don't make an XL, popular girls aren't fat. Apparently they don't have chests either. I can't thank you enough for doing what the mean girls in high school never could accomplish-- I actually considered throwing up my lunch that day and making it a habit. I've felt like a real cow ever since. I can't wait to be skin and bones and come back and spend hundreds of dollars in your store!

Sincerely,
your most satisfied customer, Ever!


Thats it for tonight, my busted finger is throbbing after typing...but I'm sure there'll be more to say soon!